They say that laughter is the best medicine.

classic Classic list List threaded Threaded
218 messages Options
1234 ... 11
Reply | Threaded
Open this post in threaded view
|

They say that laughter is the best medicine.

bellend
They say that laughter is the best medicine.

Well, I have diarrhoea and it's making it worse.
If we learn from our mistakes, why aint I a genius, If you educate the masses where's the advantage for the few?

Reply | Threaded
Open this post in threaded view
|

Re: They say that laughter is the best medicine.

bellend

My dream job of driving trucks in Australia turned into a nightmare when I broke down in the outback hundreds of miles from civilisation.

After three days the water ran out and started drinking my own urine. After another three days I could no longer recycle my piss and realised I was out of options and had to accept the inevitable. So I opened some of the Fosters I was delivering.
If we learn from our mistakes, why aint I a genius, If you educate the masses where's the advantage for the few?

Reply | Threaded
Open this post in threaded view
|

Re: They say that laughter is the best medicine.

bellend

Our neighbour's dog shat in our garden, so my mum told me to get a shovel and throw it over the fence.

I don't see what that solved, now we've got dog shit in our garden and the neighbours have our shovel.
If we learn from our mistakes, why aint I a genius, If you educate the masses where's the advantage for the few?

Reply | Threaded
Open this post in threaded view
|

Re: They say that laughter is the best medicine.

bellend

Some guy knocked on my door today and said, "I have a parcel for your next door neighbour."

I said, "You've got the wrong house then mate."
If we learn from our mistakes, why aint I a genius, If you educate the masses where's the advantage for the few?

Reply | Threaded
Open this post in threaded view
|

Re: They say that laughter is the best medicine.

bellend

"Palestine model shot dead in Israel"

I hope it was Wallace, I really like Gromit.
If we learn from our mistakes, why aint I a genius, If you educate the masses where's the advantage for the few?

Reply | Threaded
Open this post in threaded view
|

Re: They say that laughter is the best medicine.

GAZZER
Matron says-she always has a jolly good wheeze when she changes my nappy.
If you try to cure evil with evil-you will add more pain to your fate.
Reply | Threaded
Open this post in threaded view
|

Re: They say that laughter is the best medicine.

bellend

"Why don't you shave all your pubes off, love?" she said, handing me the razor. "It will make your cock look massive."

Bit forward, I thought, for a traffic warden.
If we learn from our mistakes, why aint I a genius, If you educate the masses where's the advantage for the few?

Reply | Threaded
Open this post in threaded view
|

Re: They say that laughter is the best medicine.

bellend
To all those who received a book from me as a Christmas present...

They are due back at the library today.
If we learn from our mistakes, why aint I a genius, If you educate the masses where's the advantage for the few?

Reply | Threaded
Open this post in threaded view
|

Re: They say that laughter is the best medicine.

Ho-Hum
The Bible Was Right after all.

It all makes sense now.

Gay marriage & marijuana are fine.

Leviticus 20:13- "If a man lays with another man he should be stoned."


 
Refugees do not have the right to demand but should accept the blessings bestowed upon them gracefully by nations extending the hand of friendship.
Reply | Threaded
Open this post in threaded view
|

Re: They say that laughter is the best medicine.

bellend

The entire marketing department of Findus Foods has just quit: they've finally realized that they're flogging a dead horse.
If we learn from our mistakes, why aint I a genius, If you educate the masses where's the advantage for the few?

Reply | Threaded
Open this post in threaded view
|

Re: They say that laughter is the best medicine.

bellend

Pope Resigns.

True Catholic pulls out early.
If we learn from our mistakes, why aint I a genius, If you educate the masses where's the advantage for the few?

Reply | Threaded
Open this post in threaded view
|

Re: They say that laughter is the best medicine.

bellend

A horse walks into a bar. "Too late" says the bartender, "we're joking about the pope now". "He's right" sighs Richard III
If we learn from our mistakes, why aint I a genius, If you educate the masses where's the advantage for the few?

Reply | Threaded
Open this post in threaded view
|

Re: They say that laughter is the best medicine.

bellend

I couldn't understand why my mobile's battery always seemed to be flat.

Then I realised had it been any other shape,it wouldn't fit in my phone.
If we learn from our mistakes, why aint I a genius, If you educate the masses where's the advantage for the few?

Reply | Threaded
Open this post in threaded view
|

Re: They say that laughter is the best medicine.

Ho-Hum
Walt Disney's new film called "Jet Black", the non racist version of   "Snow White", has been put on hold .
 
All  of the  7 dwarfs : Dealer, Stealer,  Mugger, Car Jack, Drive By, Pimp and Wog, have refused to sing "Hi Ho...."
 
And they say they have no freaking intention of "Going off to work".
Refugees do not have the right to demand but should accept the blessings bestowed upon them gracefully by nations extending the hand of friendship.
Reply | Threaded
Open this post in threaded view
|

Re: They say that laughter is the best medicine.

bellend

The Pope is going to resign and to be honest I don't blame him.

I'd leave my job too if my boss never showed up.
If we learn from our mistakes, why aint I a genius, If you educate the masses where's the advantage for the few?

Reply | Threaded
Open this post in threaded view
|

Re: They say that laughter is the best medicine.

bellend
got a funny feeling the postman's van broke down this morning, or maybe he couldn't drag the sack of cards up my drive. either way, something went wrong, at least in the days of a second post we still had hope eh? bloody royal mail ruined my day again. spose that gazza is buried under an avalanche!
If we learn from our mistakes, why aint I a genius, If you educate the masses where's the advantage for the few?

Reply | Threaded
Open this post in threaded view
|

Re: They say that laughter is the best medicine.

Ho-Hum
Shortly after a British Airways flight had reached its cruising altitude,
the captain announced:

'Ladies and Gentlemen, this is  your Captain.  Welcome to Flight 293,
non-stop from    London Heathrow to  Toronto . The weather ahead is good,
so we should have a  smooth uneventful flight. So sit back, relax  and.....
OH, MY GOD  !'      Silence followed!  
Some moments later the captain came  back on the intercom.  
'Ladies and gentlemen, I'm sorry if I  scared you . While I was talking to
you, a flight attendant accidentally spilled a cup of hot coffee in my lap.
You should see the front of my pants!'  

One Irish passenger yelled...
'For f*#k's sake  ........ You should  see the back of  mine!'
Refugees do not have the right to demand but should accept the blessings bestowed upon them gracefully by nations extending the hand of friendship.
Reply | Threaded
Open this post in threaded view
|

Re: They say that laughter is the best medicine.

bellend
 i've just found out my mars bar is actually full of pluto
If we learn from our mistakes, why aint I a genius, If you educate the masses where's the advantage for the few?

Reply | Threaded
Open this post in threaded view
|

Re: They say that laughter is the best medicine.

Ho-Hum




  A  sexually active woman tells  her plastic surgeon that she  wanted
her vaginal lips reduced in size because they were  too loose and floppy.

  Out of embarrassment she insisted that the surgery be kept a secret
and the  surgeon  agreed.

  Awakening from the anaesthesia after the  surgery she found 3 roses
carefully placed beside her on the bed.

  Outraged, she immediately calls in the surgeon. 'I thought I asked you
not to  tell anyone about my operation!'

  The surgeon told her he had  carried out her wish for confidentiality
and that the first rose  was from him:

  'I felt sad because you went through this all by yourself.'

  'The second rose is from my nurse. She assisted me in the surgery and
understood because she had had the same procedur done some time ago.'

  'And what about the third rose?' she  asked.

  'That's from a man upstairs in the burns unit.  He wanted to thank
you for his new ears.'
Refugees do not have the right to demand but should accept the blessings bestowed upon them gracefully by nations extending the hand of friendship.
Reply | Threaded
Open this post in threaded view
|

Re: They say that laughter is the best medicine.

bellend

I've written a book called, "101 Ways To Revive The High Street".

It's available on Ebay from Monday.
If we learn from our mistakes, why aint I a genius, If you educate the masses where's the advantage for the few?

1234 ... 11